WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU FELL MADLY IN LOVE?
Everytime I attempt to write about her, I always have this block that makes me just stare in the screen and just think about her.
I love her. I know that to be true. I'm not putting any pressure on it. It's just the way I feel. And I know the risks of me exposing this to her. I mean, we were friends. She's the closest thing to me. She has her circles even before I met her and that's a population that's big enough. They stay tight even after highschool. She has her family in their compound. They are pretty close. Revealing how I feel might put myself in line. The whole kin is going to judge me.
How am I gonna say it? Is their any moment that I would be given the chance? All I wanted to do is think about her. All I wanted to be is with her. Does she feel the same way? If she doesn't, will she still consider me her friend?
Maybe it's time to leave. Maybe leaving sets me free. Maybe leaving is the precursor to the truth. Maybe leaving will give me the space and the distance that would eventually make it easy for me to say how I feel, knowing that I just want to say it. And maybe leaving is the only thing left to do.
Do I have to leave? I guess yes. Much as I wanted to stay. Leaving will break all the mask. A butterly out of its cocoon, ready to make risks, ready to fly. I would probably miss her. I will. That is for sure. Much as it pains me. Leaving is setting myself free. It will lead me to freedom so I would know the direction to follow.
Leaving... not seeing her anymore... waking up each day with out her. Leaving... absence... do you know how it feels without seeing her face? She's the only one who talks to me with the same frequency as I am. She's the only one who completes my every sentences even before I say it. She understands how I feel. I don't want to be with anybody but her.
Long ago I planned to leave because I have these feelings. Though it never happened because of the collateral damage, I did not make a go for it. And now, I will be working for the family. It's reason enough to give up everything and work hard for them. I have always done what is right and what is right makes me be in the safe side. It's the righteous thing to do.
If I leave, I think she'd understand and I hope one of these days we'd meet, hoping that by that time, I will become ready to take risks. I will become ready...
I am leaving so I will become ready to take risks the next time we meet again. I wanted to live life in truth and the truth is that I am in love with her and that I want to touch her, want to hold her, want to be with her.
More importantly, I am leaving to provide for my family.
May God help me.
